Dreamin’ Reviews: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
By: Jasmin Roden, LMSW, CAADC
Emotional connection is a human need, and is especially important during childhood. When a child is raised with a parent(s) that is unable to be attuned to a child’s emotional needs, it can leave an emotional wound of feeling alone and having to figure out problems for that child. This feeling of aloneness can last into adulthood. Today’s review is by Lindsay Gibson, PsyD. Dr. Gibson is a clinical psychologist who has several books and workbooks published on ways to manage relationships with those who are less emotionally mature than the reader.
In Dr. Gibson’s book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, she shares stories from adults who identify as having emotionally immature parents. These stories can help the reader identify their experience in a childhood experience that is at times, difficult to label. Dr. Gibson also helps the reader understand what makes a person emotionally immature versus temporary emotional regression due to stress and triggers. “Emotionally immature people don’t step back and think about how their behavior impacts others” pg.28.
Dr. Gibson lists the following qualities that identify emotionally immature parents:
They are rigid and single-minded
They have low stress tolerance
They do what feels best
They are subjective, not objective
They have little respect for differences
They are egocentric
They are self-preoccupied and self-involved
They like to be the center of attention
They promote role reversal
They have low empathy and are emotionally insensitive
While being a child to an emotionally immature parent has disadvantages, it is important to remember that those parents aren't necessarily “bad” or “terrible.” A common belief is that they are parenting from a place that is better than how they were raised. Previous generations were very much told that good parenting was having a child who behaved well and to not worry or focus on a child's emotional needs. With that being said, it doesn't nega
Chapter four of this book breaks down the four types of emotionally immature parents. These include the emotional parent, the driven parent, the passive parent, and the rejecting parent. A common theme in all of them is that they all:
*Tend to be self-involved, narcissistic, and emotionally unreliable
* Share the common traits of egocentricity, insensitivity, and limited capacity for genuine emotional intimacy.
*non-adaptive coping mechanisms
*use their children to try to make themselves feel better.
*have poor resonance with other people’s feelings.
*extreme boundary problems.
*tolerate frustration poorly.
Dr. Gibson also summarizes how children who grow up with emotionally immature parents develop as adults. She provides several exercises to help the reader gain some insight as to whether or not the adult child is an internalizer or externalizer. She provides some tips on how to recognize emotionally mature people as a way to improve social support.
Recommended Reader: I would recommend this book to fellow mental health providers. I would also recommend this to someone who is a part of the Adult Children of Alcoholics or Al-Anon community. Readers who recognize that their family of origin was emotionally immature would also benefit from reading this book.
Readability: Easy to moderate based on one’s knowledge of emotional intelligence. The book is a quick read with it being only 198 pages.
It is important to note that these books and other resources are not appropriate or meant to replace mental health or substance abuse treatment. If your symptoms are impacting your daily life, please seek treatment.
